The Past, The Present And The Future (Part II)

The Present

As I talked about in Part I of this entry, so much has taken place over the past 3 years that it is hardly surprising to find the present so affected by it. It has been 7 months since I finished my treatment, and 1 & 1/2 months since I was told there is no sign of the cancer, and yet my life is still heavily dominated by the effects of it all.

The most obvious effect is the tiredness and lack of energy that are a direct result of having had chemotherapy. It is often overlooked and not mentioned by the hospital when you start a course of treatment, but you can actually continue to feel more tired and less energetic for years following chemotherapy. This causes huge amounts of frustration when your treatment is over and you have been told there is no sign of the cancer because you feel like you should be "normal", and being "normal" somehow means being able to go to work, have a social life, do exercise, do housework, shopping etc etc. When you find yourself being unable to do all of those things you get incredibly frustrated with yourself, especially as you are so desperate to do them and prove to yourself that you're completely well and don't have cancer any more. The whole situation can be made even more difficult because, while a lot of people accept that you are going to be pretty exhausted while you're actually going through chemo, many don't realise how long the fatigue goes on for once your treatment has finished, and so can seem surprised when you are unable to keep up with everything they are doing.

For me, the tiredness is something that frustrates me beyond belief. I feel like I have spent so many years of my life being ill and being tied to the hospital that now I have been told I'm clear of the cancer I am determined to get back to normal as quickly as possible. Of course, after being battered about for 3 years with barely any respite my body doesn't have quite the same idea and is steadfastly refusing to cooperate! I am trying to remain patient: I have returned to work, but on a part-time basis; I try to put rest days in after any big activity I do; and I'm trying not to book up too many weekends in a row socialising and catching up on the 3 years of social life I've missed out on. But, despite this, I still feel tired a lot of the time, I struggle to concentrate on things, and I don't always have the energy I need to do everything I've got planned for the day. I know that in the future this is something that will improve, it's just a matter of time and of course patience!

The other very obvious effect of the chemotherapy treatment is my hair, or rather my lack of it! Whilst it is definitely growing back, and at a faster rate than I had imagined it would, I still have very short hair, and a hair style that, while to others may not look like I've had cancer, to me screams it out everytime I look in the mirror. I had short hair many years ago, way before becoming ill, and so the length of my hair is not so much what bothers me, it's more that I know I haven't chosen to cut my hair this short, it has been imposed upon me. It is a small, yet very big difference, and it certainly affects how you feel about yourself. In fact getting your self-confidence back after being ill is another big challenge. For me I have days when I feel ok, and others when I feel I'd like to shrink into a corner never to be seen by anyone again. It's difficult sometimes to get up and force myself to go out, but I know nothing is going to come of sitting around. And besides, I've spent far too much of my time indoors over the last 3 years that I'm not about to start doing it voluntarily!

It is hard when your treatment has changed your physical appareance, like mine has with my surgery scar and my hair loss, to feel "normal" and confident though. It is also incredibly hard when you have spent so long being defined as a cancer patient to try to shake off the label. And that is just in your own mind, let alone how other people can view you. For me I have to say that everyone I know has been fantastic, and managed to strike that hugely difficult balance between treating me as normal so that I don't still feel like a cancer patient, and yet still being considerate of how tired and run-down I may be feeling. In my own head it is going to be somewhat more of a battle though, and one that is only now starting to form: how to accept that I am a cancer patient, that I have had cancer, that having cancer is a part of who I am? I honestly have no answers for this at the moment. I have only just started to reach the point after treatment where the events of the last 3 years are sinking in enough that I can begin to contemplate them, let alone work out how to accept them. That is definitely something the future holds...